I started this blog in about 2007 and posted a bunch of stuff about my political viewpoints, and shoes, and some revealing blogs about things that happened to me. I went to reread it once, and I guess I never realized how sad and stuck and frustrated I was. But by then I'd loosed the tires from the mud, and so I deleted it all.
Then recently I picked it back up again because I have an HMO now and I have to select a primary care provider and then go to that person to get a referral to my therapist, Kelly. Otherwise I have to pay out of pocket. So the blog was my stopgap until I can follow up and do that, and also have the time in my schedule for my appointments. I had great fun posting some stuff about home improvements I was doing, but the blog was peppered with my unresolved feelings about growing up the way I did, with my weird family. And then I got nervous that one of said weird family members would hunt me down and burn me at the stake, so I've deleted again.
Except now I feel better. I wrote, reread, got a little feedback, and deleted, and the strangest feeling of forgiveness has come over me.
I've forgiven a lot of people in the past, but usually it's more of a convenience forgiveness. The people I need to forgive won't apologize AND won't go away. Isn't that a bitch? So I forgive only because I don't want to be saddled with drama.
But a real forgiveness is blooming, and it's for my mom. There was so much about her I didn't understand. So many things she did and said that didn't seem fair to me, or that hurt me, or confused me. I always got past whatever it was in order to move forward and have a semblance of a normal family, but little dregs were apparently building up.
Talking to other people about it didn't help, because I made excuses. Talking to anyone else involved doesn't work because it makes a horrible stew of combined feelings and experiences. But rambling it out by myself, sometimes incoherently peppered and laced in with other stories and subjects turned out to be a great way to work through some stuff.
So anyway, I'm going to go ahead and post and delete whenever I need to and I recommend that everyone else in the world tries it.
